Blog Post 12: When Being Brave Takes on a New Set of Attributes

If you guys have been following my Facebook or Instagram page you know that I just got back from a trip/mission to Utah. I went there first and foremost to search for my brother and see how he is doing, and to offer him help and guidance at this time in his life. My secondary mission was to spread awareness of mental health disorders and Veteran suicide and raising money for Mission 22 and for my road to the National Miss Bikini Model stage. I had an emotional time, to say the least. I raised very little, didn't get to be the hero to my brother that I was expecting to be, and most people that I talked to had no idea Veteran suicide was even an issue (which somehow bothered me, granted I was in Utah where there isn't a huge Military presence).

Anyway, the message that I have today after feeling like a complete failure and feeling as if there was something I could have done better, or more of, or somehow differently that would've changed the circumstances and outcome of what I had deemed a "failed mission". I marinated and obsessed over my brothers situation for days, made myself sick, didn't ever actually get any restful sleep, and had a hard time enjoying anything.

The picture of being brave has always been painted in my head as being that action oriented, gets results, saves the day with creativity and relentless persistence kind of person. Now, I am not discrediting any of those attributes. Those are all fine attributes to have. I just realized that the time and place for the definition of my "Brave" wasn't doing anything but making me sick, tired, frustrated, and frankly a pissed off individual. I was trying to rescue and save someone who didn't want ( at this time) my rescuing or saving, he didn't want to follow my guidance, and the hardest part of it for me to swallow was that I couldn't understand or comprehend why.I am reminded of a saying that goes something like this, the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This was my fourth attempt to help my brother. The other three attempts he actually came and lived with me and had given me the time of day. This time it was different. I know he loves me, and he knows I love him dearly...but I had and still have no control. I was essentially feeling as if I was falling off a cliff and I was reaching out trying to find something to grab onto in order to save myself, but there was nothing.  For the first time in a long time, I had no influence in someone's life whom I care for. This was strange to me, and my obsessiveness (that I am working on) kicked in and my brain could not rationalize why my help or presence wasn't appreciated or was unwanted.

Now I know that my brother was happy to see me, we shared stories and had a few laughs and shed a few tears together, that to me was worth the entire trip. Now it is time for me to learn that I am ignorant to exactly what he is going through, or experiencing, or what his life is like on a daily basis. I am still trying to be okay with this strange set of words that people keep reminding me; you can only help someone who wants to help themselves. Being brave in this situation has taken on a whole new set of attributes. Being brave means being okay with not understanding, being brave means realizing that I wasn't in control of anyone but myself, and I never will be, being brave means letting my brother live his life, and if it means that I am not supposed to be in it, to be okay with that, and not let it get me physically and mentally sick. This is not the post that I thought I would be writing about being brave, especially when the title of my site is beautifulandbrave.com.

This doesn't mean to give up. To me this means, once again, that I must realize I have no control over someone else's actions. To be able to see the sunshine peeking through the clouds and appreciating its beams of warmth when chaos is all around is true bravery. To know that I gave my best effort and everything I did was out of love, and still be able to live my life without spiraling into depression, self loathing/ self punishment, that is bravery. I will never give up and I will always have love in my heart and be there for my brother, but I am going to get myself out of this rut because that is what he would want for me and that is what true bravery looks like in this particular instance. Bravery comes in many shapes and sizes depending on the situation, so if you find yourself in any kind of similar situation and you beat yourself up over it, please remember this story. Thank you to all who had kind words of advice, and also to those that shared their similar situations with me. I appreciated that, and truly believe that is one of the main functions of social media. To help those in need of support by offering guidance through their own experiences, and to be able to share them within seconds with someone who may need to hear your words.

Be Beautiful. Be Brave.

XOXO,